Thinking of Adopting a Senior Citizen?

You have just acquired a Senior Citizen.  You know nothing about them, except what you have read on the Internet and a few well-meaning words from your next-door neighbor.  You picked out a doozy and you’re pretty proud of yourself.  Time to show him off later.  Right now you need to brush up on what to do so that your senior will flourish and thrive.  Follow these tips to keep him healthy and happy: 

Here are the number one things to remember about this rare breed:

1. Feed them at least three times a day – they get very cranky if you don’t.  They also seem to like warm milk at bedtime.
2. Seniors like burnt toast (hey, remember the “It’ll make your hair curly” comments?  You can also feed them loads of carrots (good for the eyes, don’t you know?)  Along with the burnt toast, seniors like veggies, peanut butter, tuna, jelly, and a doughnut thrown in occasionally for good measure.  You have to control what they eat – they can’t.  You certainly don’t want to have to put them on a weight loss diet later – they’ll make you pay.
3. Give them something to keep them busy and occupied.  They like to work and feel needed.
4. Give them praise and a pat on the head every so often.  They’ll work even harder.  You might even get a smile.
5. Lay in a supply of disposable diapers.  You never know when you might need them.
6. Senior-proof your home.  They aren’t known to be chewers, but they might lose the remote control or forget to turn off the oven.  Better safe than sorry.  Put valuables away or in a place they can’t reach.
7. Disconnect your landline phone.  You can use your cell.  Seniors cannot be trusted on the telephone.  They use up way too much time chatting with their cronies.
8. Get some anti-gas medication and slip it in their milk.  They’ll never know the difference but you will.
9. Be very careful when putting your senior in the car.  They are known for slipping out of seatbelts and climbing out the window, waving frantically to someone they think they know.  How embarrassing.
10. Get a night light for the bathroom.  It seems the species is nocturnal.
11. Buy them comfortable clothing.  They can get a little wild and crazy if the jeans are too tight.  You don’t want your neighbors calling the cops over a naked woman in their front yard.
12. Give them a covered container for those disgusting teeth.  Who wants to look at that on the bathroom sink?  And while you’re at it, get a beeper for their glasses.  They are forever losing them.  It’ll save you time, money, and lots of hassle.
13. Never leave a senior home alone and unattended.  They can get into all sorts of trouble.  Put child locks on the cabinets and stove and a baby gate on the steps.  That way they can’t hurt themselves or others.
14. Take them for regular checkups.  They’ll need their shots and medications.
15. Make room for the c-pap machine.  And get used to the sound.  It’ll be around for a while.
16. Invest in a good television.  It’s a great baby sitter and they’ll glue themselves to it.

Enjoy your new senior citizen.  If you follow these suggestions and take good care of him, he’ll give you joy for years to come.  He is a good breed, and loves unconditionally, with no strings attached.  Come to think of it, maybe you should adopt two?